LIFE: Why I Can't Work in PR

LIFE: Why I Can't Work in PR

OK, I can't help myself. Look, I own a Subaru, actually I've owned two Subarus, and they're really great cars, I have very few complaints, they're hip without being trendy and swell and smell nice and all that jazz.

So, as a proud Subaru owner, every couple months I get in the mail the official Subaru Magazine, Drive. (As opposed to the unofficial magazine, Busted Crankshaft.) And in this issue was this essay, this piece of literature, that I feel compelled to share, on the 2006 Subaru Forester. Exerpts follow, with smart-ass interjections in bold:

"In the 2006 Forester, the essence of the 2005 model remains, but with features sharpened and emphasized to make it look more like the performer it is. The 2006 Forester has a clean-cut, chiseled appearance that complements its quiet athleticism. (It's not just a car, it's Lance Armstrong.)

The new face is cleaner and more unified. The eyes and eyebrows formed by the headlights are straightforward and without guile. (I hate those Toyotas, they're always sneering and full of deceipt with their lying, trickster windshield wipers.) The grille is well-defined, with chrome lateral bars filling the space without requiring a border. (What?!) The grille, bumper and lower air intake leave a stronger impression of unity. (When I think 'unity,' I think 'lower air intake.') The revised fog lights punctuate the strength of the front end without distracting from the other elements. The fog lights are smaller, but more effective. (And with much less guile!)

In short, the new 2006 Forester has a more serious appearance. Its exterior states that it’s not a toy. It’s not cute. (Take that, Volkswagen!) Rather, it has grown up to face today squarely, on contemporary terms and without excuses. (Optional master's degree in leadership challenges not installed at the factory.)

...OK, that's enough of that. Y'know, I figured out a while back I could leave the ill paying, stressful world of newspaper journalism behind and go work in public relations somewhere; but then my life would be spent writing gibberish like this. It's all too short, ain't it?